If the Avengers were Metal Bands

One day while watching Iron Man 2 and listening to my wife try to remember who a particular actor was, it occurred to me that War Machine is a fantastic name for a band. I'd totally go see them. I'd also go see Iron Man, although I'd be pissed if there wasn't a lot of Sabbath worship and a very obvious cover.

From there, one bad thought led to another, and I started wondering which Avengers characters had the most metal names? This is why we're here. This why it's happening. This is why you're clicking the close button.

For everyone left, here's all of the Avengers ranked by how awesome a metal band they'd be. Note - if they didn't appear in Infinity War or Endgame, I'm probably not remembering them. If they did, even if they're maybe not technically an Avenger, they're in.

From worst to best...

Captain Marvel - Might make a decent oddball 70s prog band, but the name is far too comic book to be truly metal. Which is saying something.

Vision - A band name should stand for an obvious idea (or at least an obvious ambiguity), or just sound awesome. Vision does neither. It's the name of a band that plays something-core and is half as good as they think they are.

Spiderman - I tried typing Ant-Man twice and hit S both times. I'll listen to the Freudian slip. There's only one thing Spiderman could be and that's, well, Spiderman. Okay, there's many things it could be if Adrian Tchaikovsky was writing it, but he isn't. And I don't think he's founding a metal band either.

Ant-Man - No more reprieve here. This could at least be something other than the superhero but it's just corny as a metal band. You could probably skank to their output though.

Groot - It's a good weird name for good weird things, so it'd totally be an acceptable Stoner metal band name, but it wouldn't be great without the character. However, I do now want to listen to a stoner metal song where the only lyrics are "I am groot".

Dr Strange - From here on out, these are all good metal band names. Dr Strange would be a very avant-garde metal band, but a good one. I'm guessing electro-jazz-Clutch.

Gamora - Again, good weird name territory. Black metal band with an indecipherable logo and a thinly consulted wolf-vore fetish.

Rocket - It's more of a classic rock band name than a metal band name, but we're talking about the edge where it's pretty nebulous and it's a real solid rockin' name, so kudos.

Nebula - Couldn't resist that segue. Post-black metal band from the US west coast who need to get over the Arcturus worship.

Captain America - Should really, really, really be a punk band with are so laden with irony they can no longer move, but it's a perfectly acceptable name for a metalcore or thrash metal band. The metalcore band is even more ironic than the punk version. The thrash metal band thinks that irony is a description of something that's like iron.

Falcon - See Rocket, but with sillier costumes, longer guitar solos, and more crotch thrusting

Mantis - See Rocket, but with more screeching, more Motorhead covers, and less crotch thrusting.

Hawkeye - Split the middle between the above. Or see Rocket.

Star-Lord: Old school, theatrical, and a really rocking good time. Basically The Weird Lough Slough Feg with less Slaine references.

Iron Man: This is the point at which we get great metal band names. Iron Man suffers slightly because the song would always be more famous than the band, but it's still a fantastic name that's probably served a bunch of pub bands proud.

Hulk: It screams power. Anger. Alienation. Crushing riffs. It is just superbly metal, but maybe a bit too generically metal. Also, not the greatest name for a prolonged scream to the adoring audience.

Black Panther: If Iron Man suffers from the song, Black Panther suffers from the political movement. Plus the character. Neither are as intrinsically metal though, plus there's a definite statement. Probably already a punk band name. There's 8 metal songs called Black Panther, one by a band called Troubled Fuckin' Souls. I rest my case.

War Machine: It is a fantastic metal band name. It is unfortunately on the generic side. Beats Hulk because it's far better for screaming out. Waaaaar Maaachineeeeeee! Do it. No, wait, it's nearly 2 in the morning. Do not do it.

Black Widow: Sometimes generic is great for a band, as it becomes iconic. Think Slayer. Most times... you want something a little off-kilter. I fear Black Widow goes a little generic.

Scarlet Witch: See above, but this one is the right side of off-kilter. In another world, Iron Maiden is a famous superheroine, and Steve Harris and the Air Raid Siren have a rabid worldwide fanbase with Scarlet Witch.

Thor - I've just realised I'd switched between dashes and colons and am too lazy to change it, but too stupid to not mention it. Anyway. Thor! The Metal Encyclopedia tells me there's 25 band names including Thor out there. That should qualify the name as too generic but somehow it doesn't. Possibly because every band called Thor carries a little of the personality of Jord's son with them. Yes, Jord's son. Yes, I am overly salty about their departures from myth.

Drax The Destroyer - What. A. Fucking. Name. It oozes personality. It promises mayhem. It makes very clear that this is a band out to give their fans a good time via the medium of aural ultraviolence. The only things stopping me from founding a band named Drax the Destroyer is mild copyright issues and an aversion towards giving people a good time.

Thanos - The winner. It has that slightly made up feeling that makes for great metal band names. It has all those great connotations of death, alienation, more death, and attitude that lies at the heart of the genre. It would sound awesome screamed from a stage. You can't call your band Thanos because of copyright, but you can call them Thanatos as the next best thing which is just cool.