If Fantasy Books were Rugby Teams: Game of Thrones

Hello all three of you reading this blog! I've decided that I should celebrate the imminent return of TV's greatest fantasy series, and in what better way with some silliness? A classic tradition among rugby fans everywhere is to hypothesise what the best XV would be out of some group that has nothing to do with rugby (you haven't lived until you've argued loudly over whether a bear or a tiger would be a better flanker). And so I'm going to bring this tradition to Game of Thrones, which is rich of material when considering which sort of nutter goes where. So rich in fact, that I feel like I could do two teams, which in proper GoT fashion I'll split into sorta-good guys and not-at-all good guys, or to put closer to the approved terminology - Non-Cunts vs Cunts.

I even got a ref for it - Jon Snow. After all, he knows nothing, which makes him perfect match official material. I'm putting this one up top as I'm fairly sure its the one joke that'll work for all sports fans.

And with no further ado:

                       

Non-Cunts		Cunts
Yara Greyjoy – Full-backs should be dependable and tough enough to be the last line of defence, and ambitious and quick enough to attack from anywhere; Yara fits the bill here	15	Nymeria Sand - I want a lot of chemistry in the back three, so I'm going with the Sand Snakes en bloc; Nymeria is the most sensible, so she gets the most responsibility.
Gendry – Wings are where you want speed and as a friend pointed out, the speed with which Gendry makes the wall maybe makes him the fastest man in Westeros. He’s also a unit so in he goes.	14	Obara Sand - A daring risk-taker who'll attack out of nowhere, Obara's game fits perfectly on the wing. Mightn't be the most defensively secure but should make up for it in tries.
Jaime Lannister – Irrepresible confidence and all round skill make for great outside-centres. Jaime would be able to go straight through opposition defenders or around them with equal ease.	13	Karl Tanner - A minor villain maybe, but a very capable one with fantastic footwork; he'd be able to break the defensive line with no space at all. Also just really aggressive. Can't go wrong with that.
Robb Stark – I worry that he’s too honest for rugby, but his nous and lead from the front style are too much to pass up on; he’d be a fine playmaking, ball-carrying centre.	12	Lancel Lannister - This backline is going to play with pace, so I want someone young with a lot of drive here. Lancel seems as good a shout as anyone.
Arya Stark – Sure she’s small, but probably no smaller than Shane Williams. She also has fantastic footwork and is a deadly finisher.	11	Tyrene Sand - The final of the Sand Snakes, picked in the hope that she'll get under the opposition's skin and work hard to link up with her sister.
Grey Worm – The fly-half is the team’s general, and Grey Worm is one hell of a general, not to mention his toughness and speed would make him a formidable individual	10	Tywin Lannister - Can there be any other choice for this team's mastermind? Everything turns to shit for his side when he's forced off injured dead.
Ygritte – Scrum-halves are meant to be quick-thinking high-skilled individuals; they’re usually gobby gits with anger management issues. Ygritte fits both requirements admirably.	9	Roose Bolton - This team needs some wise old heads making the decisions, so Bolton in at 9 - he does also have the ability to surprise defences.
Barristan the Bold – Technically proficient and indomitable, Barristan’s advanced age would prove no bar to him continuing to dominate in the front row.	1	Meryn Trant - A big strong man who'll do what you tell him to, no matter how repugnant. That makes him a decent choice for loosehead.
Davos Seaworth – Another ultra-reliable and tough operator, Davos would be another fine scrummager in the front row and he definitely knows a thing or two about the dark arts.	2	Ramsey Bolton - Tradition dictates a strong chance that the hooker is the biggest psycho on the pitch. So Ramsey Bolton it is.
Robert Barethon – Sometimes you just have to respect tradition and pick the strongest fattest person you can find for tighthead prop. Step forwards Robert.	3	Xaro Xhoan Daxos - Another big guy, but this one's picked for his willingness to do anything needed to do to win. He'll need that attitude in the scrum.
Hodor – Yes he’s a bit passive, but get Bran to warg into him for the full 80 minutes and that’s no issue, and every rugby club in the land wishes they had someone his size in the second row.	4	Styr - The Magnar of Thenn is a big old nutcase who's willing to take a bite out of any challenge. In other words, perfect lock material.
Sandor Clegane – Another big unit for the second row, Sandor’s all round aggression and skill will be invaluable on the field.	5	The Mountain - Expect Ser Gregor to be at the heart of everything good with this team; or at least everything brutal.
Brienne of Tarth – A non-stop motor, never say die attitude and huge physicality; these are the things that make a great blindside flanker.	6	Alliser Thorne - A wily veteran who you can imagine wreaking havoc at the bottom of a ruck; I see him as being this team's poor man's version of Richard Hill.
Bronn – Cunning and mobile opportunist with little respect for the laws of the game or regard for others' physical wellbeing; this description fits both Bronn and openside flankers to a tea	7	Locke - Another tenacious wily cheat who gets everywhere; you can trust him to track the ball well. And won't let anyone keep their hands on it.
Tormund – To round out my pack, I need another big unit who’ll carry all day long and make an impact in anything. That’s Tormund.	8	Khal Drogo - A fearsome athlete and gloryhound with no particular respect for others' feelings, Drogo is perfect 8 material. He'll never pass but be worth it anyway.

So who would win? Have I even got the right people picked? And have I even got people on the right teams anyway?

The classic truism of rugby is that the packs decide who wins and the backs decide by how much. The Cunts pack has some of the stand-out names - good luck tackling the Mountain or Drogo - but I'm not sure the quality levels are consistent enough. Most of Martin's memorable villains are schemers, not skullsmashers. In particular I think the Non-Cunts have a big edge in the front row. I wish I'd had time to do a subs bench as I think that's where the difference would really come through, but even just going to 80 I think the Non-Cunts look fitter and stronger all round. Plus you just know Sandor's going to do a great shutdown job on his brother - that's hatred as a motivator for you.

If the Cunts do get ball, I think the combination of experience at half-back and trickery and pace out wide could do real damage. I sort of wish I'd given them a power runner now, but none of them will shy away from physicality. That said, the Non-Cunts have lots of pace and trickery themselves, and players like Gendry and Jaime will bring the power game. A particular mismatch might be asking an old git like Tywin to tackle Grey Worm - he'll spend the game clutching air if he's no careful.

But they won't get enough ball and that should be the end of them. 

Should players be in different spots, or different players selected? You could argue for swapping the Bolton boys, as Roose is far more willing to face actual danger (scrum-half is a very good position for cowardly agitators). I originally had Brienne as a crash 12 before deciding it'd be a better game with a running playmaker there. Yes, I am capable of extrapolating playing styles from the characters' attributes.

I wish I'd found a spot for Oberyn Martell - he'd definitely be the supersub here. Ned Stark would have made a good hooker if not so honest, the Blackfish would make a great maverick fly-half, Daario and Syrio would be fine outside-backs... the list is endless for the nice folk. For the Cunts, well, slimmer pickings. Although arguably they should have Jaime. And you could probably fit Stannis in, although I imagine opinions might be split as to where he should be.

So let me know what I've got wrong and who you think would win.

p.s. I decided against including Giants/the Night King because that'd be too silly. But if you do include them, the winner is the side with the Night King. Hard to beat a player whose hand-off can kill you...