BONES

Once upon a time, there was a place full of inn-ablers. One of them dearly wanted to get The Bone Shard Daughter by Andrea Stewart but couldn't, to the hilarity of his mildly cruel friends.

It was around this point that we became obsessed with the word Bone.

Basically just mandatory at this point

We put it into book titles. Into random quotes. Into images. Into, in fact, everywhere a bone can be put... legally and ethically. After all, a bone, for those of us living lives of the utmost purity, has several durrrrty slang connotations. I know, I know, shocking.

In fact, I suggest anyone who has somehow stumbled across this blog post while being of such mindset, or otherwise of a nervous disposition, should leave now.

Now, being the sort of wrong 'un I am, I started wondering what happened if you went through entire series replacing words with Bone. Picking individual titles for hilarity is too easy (personally I think The Long Way to a Small Angry Bone didn't get nearly enough love from my peers) - we need whole series. And not just one. I needed to find the best.

A gentleman of my acquaintance (I am allowing him to stay anonymous, but he may claim credit if he wishes) beat me to the punch with the obvious one

Lord of the Bones

Fellowship of the Bone

The Two Bones

Return of the Bone

This is all solid bone stuff, but surely it can get better than that? My initial thought was the Serpentwar Saga by R.E Feist - might as well be called the Bonewar Saga with a name like that anyway - from which we get

Bonewar Saga

Bone of a Dark Queen
Rise of a Merchant Bone
Rage of a Boner King
Shards of a Broken Bone

Rage of a Boner King is the tentpole (tee hee) of this series, but all convey... interesting... mental images, except for Shards of a Broken Bone which more a description of medical fact, or sometimes your takeaway if you get it from a good place. Never trust a chef who puts you not choking ahead of more flavour. I am satisfied this is a good contender, but the best?

Note: Generally, I am trying to avoid sticking bone into words, or using anything other than Bone or Bones, as it makes it too easy. But, if it's really funny, I know what I must do.

Now, when I cast around for more possible good 'uns, another obvious one was suggested straight away

Bone of Ice and Fire

A Game of Bones

A Clash of Bones

A Storm of Bones

A Feast for Bones

A Bone with Dragons

A Game of Bones is a straight up porn parody title. And A Bone with Dragons is probably the subject of some fic too. But... I find myself a little disappointed. The naming structure here makes everything feel repetitive. Which, in and of itself, is why this is so difficult. Well. "Difficult". Staying in the theme of big classic blockbuster series, let's move onto something that changes its titles up a little bit.

Bone of Time

The Bone of the World

The Great Bone

The Bone Reborn

The Bone Rising

Bones of Heaven

Bone of Chaos

A Crown of Bones

The Path of Bones

Winter's Bone

Crossbones of Twilight

Bone of Dreams

The Gathering Bone

Bones of Midnight

A Memory of Bone

This one does get a bit repetitive after a bit, but I think the first few are very solid, if a bit boastful. The Bone Rising is definitely worthy of a wry smirk. And it closes strong with A Memory of Bone, which is indeed a great solace at times. Still, it goes on too long. Besides, this is all men. Are women incapable of appreciating a good bone? Only if one is very puritan! Maybe their book titles aren't ridiculous enough? But no, I can think of a few solid ones.

The Bone Flame

The Ninth Bone

The Bone Twins

The Poison Bone

There's some very active people in Jen Williams' world it seems. And if the depths of the internet doesn't find someone referring to themselves as The Bone Twins, I will be quite surprised. Note - I don't actually need evidence of this.

Bone Traders

Bone of Magic

The Mad Bone

Bone of Destiny

Once again, a tad on the boastful side. But all solid options from Robin Hobb. Or Robin Bone as I should now call her.

Alas, I couldn't think of another female author with good bone potential of the top of my head, so I turned to a series with a lot of ladies in, including one who'd appreciate this sort of humour...

The Witches Bones

Wyrd Boners

Bones Abroad

Lords Bone Ladies

Bonerade

Carpe Bone

Wyrd Boners just makes me laugh. Carpe Bone is indeed a good thing. But my favourite here is Lords Bone Ladies, a description of what good things happen when you think a little outside the box here, and also just really a lot of human history.

While I'm on a Pratchett kick, what about the boniest of them all?

DEATH BONE

Bone

Bone Man

Bone Music

The Bonefather

Thief of Bone

Surprisingly not as good. Well. Not that surprisingly. Mainly kept here for The Bonefather.

However, shortly after this, the winner occurred to me. And I am very sure this is the winner, although I would be delighted to hear of other candidates in comments.

Narnia Bonia

The Lion, The Witch, and the Bone

Prince Bone

The Voyage of the Dawn Bone

The Silver Bone

The Horse Bones His Boy

The Magician's Bone

The Last Bone

I started thinking about this series after realising that The Lion, The Witch, and the Bone was very eyebrow raising indeed. The Voyage of the Dawn Bone is a poignant tale about the fate of morning wood. But, the title leading the charge, the one I almost pussied out of including, is in fact, of course...

The Horse Bones His Boy.

Just not a lot to say about that. Except for maybe 'No' and 'I'm Sorry'.

So there we have it. Some of the greatest fantasy series for substituting the word bone in the titles. I will now spend a prolonged time asking what is wrong with me.