If Fantasy Characters Had Football Chants

G'day and welcome to the latest run-off from the more dysfunctional parts of my brain-meats.

This one was inspired by people talking about V.E. Schwaab's The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue.

"Hmm, Addie LaRue would scan well in a number of football chants," says some part of my subconscious. "Shame the automatic rhyme I can think of is doing a poo."

Yes, that is how my brain works, thanks for asking.

Now, football chants are one of the great underappreciated art forms of our times. I presume most people are familiar with the idea that football fans like to sing songs as a form of support, tribal belonging, and sometimes boredom relief. I would submit that nowhere in the world is this artform practised better than in the UK, where each club has an ever revolving repertoire of chants, tunes pulled from pop music and words pulled from a hive mind of wit and cruelty. The best are born mid-game, a sort of primitive one-sided rap battle with the poor sods on the pitch.

Now, an example of how this works. Let me dig out a very old classic -

There's only one Dougie Freedman

There's only one Dougie Freedman

Walking along

Singing a song

Walking in a Freedman wonder land

Which goes decently enough as 

There's only one Frodo Baggins,
There's only one Frodo Baggins
Walking along
Singing a song
Walking in a Mordor nightmare land

I asked for some help and inspiration from the Fantasy Inn Discord (where the spark for this came from) and got the following from Hiu there

Ooooooooh 
Old Gandalf is magic, he wears a magic hat,
He could have left poor Bilbo, but he said "no, fuck that".
He fought that fucking balrog,
Was grey but now he's white,
But never say "good morning", or he'll start talking shite!

Grade A effort there. Middle Earth is fertile ground for this sort of thing - here's one for everyone's favourite sidekick/real hero

Sam Gamgee, Gamgee

Likes a tater or three

He might even cook one for thee

Sam Gamgee, Gamgee

In similar vein I adopted a pair of Palace favourites (although I'm sure every team has their own variations on this) for the more general milieu very handily

Oh Middle Earth (oh Middle Earth)

Is Wonderful (is wonderful)

Oh Middle Earth is Wonderful

It's full of Ents, Wizards, and Hobbits,

Oh Middle Earth is Wonderful

Oh Mordor (Oh Mordor)

Is Full of Shit (full of shit)

It's full of shit, shit, and more shit,

Oh Mordor is full of shit

Rumours that the Rohirrim were actually singing the latter one at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields are completely true. At least in my head.

We can't let Middle Earth have all the fun though. I did get one request when I mentioned that idea, and that was a chant for Nyneave Al'Meara, so to Randland we go for this classic

Al'Meara-ra-ra, pulls her braid looks snooty
Al'Meara-ra-ra, pulls her braid smacks booty

To the left to the right, and her braid hangs down to her knees

Tugs on it every time she's feeling kinda pissy

I stand by everything I wrote here. I have to, I looked up Agadoo lyrics for this. And since we're in Randland, got to go for a tribute to the main man (and also a certain Scottish goalie of long ago)

Two Dragon Reborns,

There's only two Dragon Reborns,

Two Dragon Reborns

Cruel, somewhat inaccurate, and right to the soft spot - perfect football chant material.

In a similar vein, I wanted to celebrate Liverpool's tribute to Djimi Traore, cult hero of yore. I had to go with a book I didn't know too well to find a good-ish rhyme and lack of control, but I think this works. If it does, I blame it on the people who told me it does. From NK Jemisin's The Fifth Season:

Don't blame it on the commless,

Don't blame it on the strongbacks,

Don't blame it on the breeders

Blame the oregone

They just can't, they just can't, they just can't control their fear

Keeping things mean spirited and personal (I make no bones about that being my favourite type of football chant)

Jaime, where ever you may be,

Your sister's had your babies,

But it could be worse, you could be Ned,

Married to her until he's dead

Let's try a few nice supportive ones now.

Singing Ai Yi Yippie Nanny Ogg

Singing Ai Yi Yippie Nanny Ogg

She likes a drop of brandy

She'll beat you using candy

Singing Ai Yi Yippie Nanny Ogg

Or

When the Don's get rich scheme

Has become a bad dream

That's Lamora

Of course, you can reuse tunes more or less endlessly i.e.

Oh El-Sha’arawi's magic, she wears a magic suit

And when she finds a dead djinn, she knows just where to scoot

She solves crimes with her left hand

She solves them with her right

And when there's fucking angels, she solves all fucking night

Or

Oh Thuan, Thuan,

He has the gift of the gab

His husband likes to stab

Oh Thuan, Thuan

However, on this at least, I'd like to end on a negative note

You're just a Greyjoy, a dirty Greyjoy

You're only happy on raiding day

Your dad's out thieving, your sister's appealing

Please don't take my brothers away

If you made it this far, I'm impressed and horrified. Any further requests, please leave in the comments.